This joke page isn't long. It just features the very best Internet jokes. Enjoy!

Railroad Jokes

Please send me your railroad jokes!

 

Dispatchers in Heaven

Two engineers go to heaven and find a long line at the pearly gates. While waiting, they see a dispatcher walk by carrying a clipboard and track warrant forms. He goes to the front of the line and walks right through the pearly gates. When engineers get to the front of the line they ask St. Peter why the dispatcher got to bypass the entire line and walk right in. St. Peter replied, "That wasn't a dispatcher. That was God. He just thinks he's a dispatcher."

 

Top Ten Railroad Word Definitions

Thanks to T. Harrison

Model Railroad definitions of prototype words.

10. Helper - The person you'd least want touching your trains and working on your layout but who is the only one who shows up regularly for work nights.

9. Helix - A cat that enjoys sitting in tunnels waiting for trains to come in so he can attack.

8. Glad hands - Those little cherubic hands that want to reach up and touch everything. Also known as why you should have built your bench work at 58".

7. Flying switch - The Shinohara that has given you trouble for so long that you finally send it sailing across the room. Editor's note: Certainly this honor does not belong to Shinohara alone!

6. Hack - That fellow with all the (alledged) electronics experience who completely rewires your club layout without wire diagrams, schematics, or written notatations of any sort who quits just before it's discovered it ain't a workin' (usually one week before the open house...).

5. Flimsie - The way you built the roadbed that just dropped your best friend's brand new $2000+ brass Big Boy on the floor!

4. Form 19 - The paper work a psychiatrist is required to fill out when you foolishly admit you are a model railroader.

3. Spring switch - Your first hand laid turnout with the points that simply refuse to line up with either stock rail!

2. Protecting the rear -
a) What the guy is supposed to do to the back of the van to keep all the club's modules from falling out all over the freeway at 70mph.
b) What the guy actually does when the van doors open and the club's modules are distributed on the Interstate at 70mph.

And the #1 definition

1. Retarder - See Helper above.

Top 11 Reaons Railfanning is Better Than Deer Hunting

11. Trains are always in season.

10. Train lovers don't get mad at you for shooting "Thomas the Tank Engine."

9. You can't use a scanner to tell when deer are getting close.

8. No arguments when two people shoot the same train at the same time. (But if you get in my way, I will use my .357 people filter on you.)

7. No boring deer hunting stories.

6. Nobody cares if you use a railroad crossing sign to "sight in" your camera.

5. Three words: "Hunting License Fee."

4. SD90MAC's don't need to be field dressed.

3. Working models of deer? Yeah, right.

2. There's no limit on how many trains you are allowed to shoot.

1. Unless they are really dumb, your buddies won't mistake you for the Southwest Chief.

Gravy Train

What is a gravy train? I didn't know they were actually hauling gravy by rail. Do people gather around big mounds of mashed potatoes waiting for the 5:15 gravy to show up?

How to Solve Any Model Railroading Problem

There's no situation more track and turnouts can't solve.

Road and Track tests a 2-10-0 Decapod. You will need Adobe Reader to read this joke.

Computer Jokes

If computer error messages were haikus:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

How Not to Write a Program - Or an Operating System!

If builders built buildings like programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would have destroyed civilization. (I hope all of us who have written programs aspire to do better than this!)

Management Jokes

Training for Management:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a
tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess
from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Classic Internet Jokes

Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at a chili cook-off
in Texas For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
Light
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted
and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope thatâ?~s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTINâ?~S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all
of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBAâ?~S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I broke wind,
and now I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSANâ?~S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too
painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

How Men and Women Change the Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total

Tools Defined

Anyone with a workbench will relate to these....

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted heirloom you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

4. CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

5. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

6. BELT SANDER: An electric tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

8. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

11. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

12. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

13. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

14. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood and wire wheel wires.

15. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

16. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

17. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool 10 times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

18. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

19. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

20. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

21. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

22. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

23. BLADE SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

24. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off. Also used to quickly snap
off lug nuts.

25. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

26. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

27. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit. Primarily used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

28. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
the other hand not holding the knife. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

29. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

30. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

31. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grap and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

32. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.